My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
