scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I have aggressive nipples.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
