just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
