When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
