I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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