By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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