I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize