What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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