I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
