I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
