I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
