I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
