i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize