There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
