Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
