She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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