I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
