the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize