I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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