So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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