i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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