now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
