just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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