I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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