Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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