im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
