if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize