maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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