last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
