I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
