Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think my moral compass just broke
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