Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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