Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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