wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
