Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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