I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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