I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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