I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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