she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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