how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
