i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
