When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
