You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
