i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
