I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
whose ass print is on the piano?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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