life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
