So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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