Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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