You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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