God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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