Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
