I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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