i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just want nice things and good sex
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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