A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
