Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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