Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
sarcasm needs its own font
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
