my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
