Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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