After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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